Everything I teach my son is always from a place of compassion but also a place of being human and to enjoy life, have fun, be yourself.
Yesterday, when he stood there and mocked me (he’s 13 now) when all I wanted to do was show him the nice dinner I made him…
I broke down.
Took me back to how his dad would sometimes treat me.
and to be honest. I didn’t know what to do. Im all about handling situations with compassion and kindness, but this one cut deep.
I had to leave.
Got into my car, balled my eyes out, texted a friend cause for the first time in 10 years I wanted support, needed support. I was worn down and felt completely broken. Shattered. I felt the ALONENESS.
I have mom’d this boy ALONE. Every Obstacle, Alone. I didn’t have a husband or even an ex to talk to or co-parent with. Alone.
And, you just do it. You keep it move’n without even thinking. You do what you have to do for your child, alone cause nothing else matters but your child. So you keep moving thru obstacles with your child so that he/she has the best experiences a parent can give.
But you know what happens: You begin to lose yourself. You become numb to relationships because your child comes first. How the hell could I possibly introduce a man into my life when I was already use to being so alone, parenting alone, running a business alone, running my home, alone.
Note: The Positive side of being alone: I found me. I found my Spirit Self, My Purpose. Alone, was necessary for who I am now. Today. A Mom, A Biz Chic, A
Spiritualist, A Forgiving, Compassionate Being, Laughter.
and you know, I can’t even blame Armaan for the way I reacted to his mocking. He just triggered a negative memory, a feeling of belittlement. All that was mine. my past. my trigger. Not his.
For a second, I had given my Power Away to this 13 year old standing in front of me. I allowed his mocking to create chaos within me and breakdown into tears.
When I surrendered to the feeling, took back my power. I made a decision.
I decided: It was time for my son to leave.
It was time for him to go visit his uncle and hang out with them for the next couple of weeks.
The separation gives me space. I’ve lost myself in mommy land and I need to just be me in my own home. Besides running a biz, a home and being a mom.. who am I?
Often when Armaan isn’t home, I don’t even know what to do with myself. The next 2 weeks of separation will give him time to reflect and write (this is what he always does. I don’t speak with him when I’m upset. He is to write to me before he opens his mouth to talk to me. This works for us cause it eliminates arguing, blaming and encourages responsibility for his actions).
What will I do for two weeks: Yoga, of course. Walks to the beach with my neighbour and her dogs, Work, Cleanse my whole house with Himalayan Salt water, join a salsa class with a friend of mine, meditate, wake early, fast, maybe even hit the steps and spend time down by the rocks and water, write, possibly even head out to whistler for a night or maybe just the day, who knows. All without the worry of being a mom for a couple of weeks.
I’ve never done this before cause it always felt selfish. But it’s time. It’s time to be selfish.
Love Ya!
B.
Risky Business By Balraj Gill. 