Who am I?

I swear, i don’t look so confused in person.

1977: there was running blood in my veins.

Child hood (0-8)

oblivious: To the real world

ashamed: of being extremely shy

confused: to why my parents sent me off to Prince George for my grand parents to raise me.

bitter: that my two younger brothers got to stay home and I was sent off to PG

Age: (9-37)

mortified: To come home and live with my parents only to find we moved around a lot.

frustrated: could never really make friends, because I went from one school to another

relieved: There was a purpose behind our moves, my parents we’re entrepreneurs and risk takers. Dad; a builder so they made extreme profit with each move.

guilty: that I never spoke up for myself.

saddened: That I don’t remember my childhood

annoyed: that I worked my ass off for all my dads businesses, he promised to buy me a nice, new car as incentiv. and didn’t. he bought me a car from the auction which ended up costing me a shit ton in repairs.

scared: when my mom and dad put a down payment on a shitty old house with shady renters and told me I was fully responsible. Again, all my savings from working in the shoe department at Eaton’s was gone and the renters never took me seriously. Bad experience. Lost money. No help. i was 18.

patient: with my family and boyfriend

livid: at my family for giving me “adult” responsibilities. I was 18 for god sake!

vengeful: that other girls at the age of 18 could worry about their hair and what they were wearing to the dance.

frustrated: that i had lost my new home buyer grant when it really came time to buy a home.

resentful: at my mom for never being satisfied

shocked: the first time my boyfriend (whom I also married) spit in my face

devastated: to realize my dad was an alcoholic

bittersweet: about my early teenage years, right thru to early/mid adulthood

indifferent: to the yelling, negativity, chaos in my life

lost: internally

distraught: do I marry him?

hopeful: That he would stop being violent

worried: that he would never stop the violence

grateful: my dad taught me to be strong, “knowledge is power. and no one can ever take your knowledge away from you. so go to school, get as much education as you want”

disheartened: when i had nowhere in the house to sit to do homework or concentrate on my studies.

disappointed: when i got bad grades in nursing school.

disillusioned: by the heavy top down hierarchical system of local college and universities.

lonely: during my wedding.

arrogant: towards my family because I no longer had to live with them

foolish: to think i was going to be happy

excited: to finish nursing school and start working at surrey memorial hospital.

smart: during the bad times, I resorted to fitness to keep my sanity.

determined: to get to the gym at least 4 days a week

elated: by the strong, lean, healthy body. Despite the shattered mind

intrigued: that I found balance

addicted: to higher education

confident: in my work ethic

torn: when i got into UBC for my masters in nursing

desperate: to make a decision of wether I was going to go to school or carry thru with my pregnancy.

hopeless: that I did not share my abusive marriage with a single sole. It was a secret I kept for many years.

encouraged: By the support I received from my family and friends when I decided to leave him.

uncertain: I had left him on and off 4 times in two years, we went to counseling but he was still bitter about me moving and living in a basement on my own for 1 year. I figured he didnt wanna make it work, so I…

petrified: bought my own town house. All by myself.

incensed: when he stood at my door crying, apologizing, asked for me to take him back.

optimistic: that he would love me unconditionally, the same way he expressed love for our 3 year old son.

anxious: to find that he did love unconditionally, I was anxiously elated. such good times.

irritated: about him leaving his laundry unfolded for days. i could express my irritation and we would jokingly throw his laundry at each other. I could be irritated, without fear.

stubborn: I wanted to go back to school for my PhD and he was stubborn enough to say No. You just finished your masters and we have been enjoying ourselves for the last 8 months. Just wait and go back to school later, it takes up ALL your time.

heartbroken: when he died (at age 31)

defeated: mind, body and soul

destroyed: self identity

hopeless: in life

anguished: at god

obstinate: exercise

diligent: 3X/week

validated: clarity of the now

courageous: enough so to follow my passion as an entrepreneur

amazed: at becoming aware once again and realizing i spent three years in shock, no memory of three years after my husbands death

exhilarated: to feel a pulse

dedicated: to exercise and what it can do for other people. paticularly the kettlebell and barbell.

inspired: by like minded, people: leaders in business

peaceful: at home with my son or in meditation or yoga or 23seven

invigorated: when I write

happy: to find my voice

writing my life story in this format inspired by Ash Ambirge (the middle finger project)